i was thinking about you today.
i was thinking about the way that you always look at me whenever i start dancing in front of our friends. it isn’t a look of embarrassment, but instead one of delight. you know i’m crazy, but i’m your crazy.
i was thinking about the day we met by that fountain. the way our eyes locked and refused to let go.
i was thinking about the way my heart skips a beat whenever i see you across the room. hell, the way it leaps every time i think about your smile.
i was thinking about the first time we went to a movie and didn’t care who saw us or what they were thinking. it was just us. and meryl streep.
i was thinking about the way you grab my face right before you kiss me. for that moment i feel invincible, like i could never be safer.
i was thinking about the way you make me feel alive. the thought of you sends life through my veins and in that moment i instantly know the meaning of existence.
i was thinking about the time we revealed our relationship to our friends.
i was scared.
you were strong.
i was thinking about the way you held my hand while i said, “this is my boyfriend.”
i was thinking about the time we spent all day watching our favorite movies. i might have left the couch once, and it was to dance at the end of my best friend’s wedding.
i was thinking about the moment i realized that for once, i was someone’s first priority. for once, i was the person someone ditched their friends for.
i was thinking about how you make me feel wanted. you make me feel seen. you make me feel heard. you make me comfortable in my crazy. you make me, me.
i was thinking about love.
i didn’t actually know the depth of the emotion until that night we were walking through the city and you stopped us abruptly because you couldn’t take another step without whispering, “i love you.”
in that moment i knew love, and i knew i never wanted to be without it again.
i was thinking about the first time we kissed.
my senses have never known such a feeling. my heart has never experienced such a moment.
i was thinking about the time i called my parents to tell them i had a boyfriend and you sat with me while i cried because they refused to stick around for the part about me being happy and loved.
i was thinking about the way we fight out of anger, knowing full well we’ll be apologizing with donuts within the hour.
i was thinking about you.
i was thinking about how you don’t exist. about how you can never exist.
my heart longs for you, but it wasn’t created for you.
it was created for Him.
i was thinking about how i have to say goodbye to you, to the idea of you, because i am allowing you to take the place in my life that needs to belong to Him.
i want you, but i need Jesus.
i say goodbye in this moment, fully aware of the fact that five minutes from now i will have to say goodbye again.
i have given you my heart for years, so giving it to someone else won’t be easy.
i could love you so well and it pains my heart that i will never get the chance.
this may never make sense to me, but i know it to be true.